Am I Paranoid Or Just Really (Really) Bad At Being Optimistic?

An optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The realist sees that there’s room to add more vodka.

I’m not clever so I didn’t make that one up. I saw it on Facebook recently.

Today I’m worrying extra about my boyfriend and his health. I don’t think he would appreciate me writing about his personal life on here too much but he also supports me in using this page as an outlet so I’ll try to balance this delicately. Essentially, he has been very sick and is waiting on biopsy test results. I’m sure he would tell you that the procedure itself was the painful part, but for me of course the waiting for results is the painful part.

Now…. maybe I’m being paranoid here. Maybe I’m just really really bad at allowing myself to be optimistic… but I did the one thing that most people will tell you NEVER to do: I Web MDed myself into a deep hole. I mean DEEP, you guys. A hole so deep that I feel like at any second Buffalo Bill is going to come around and tell me to put the lotion in the basket.

That was a bad joke. Forgive me.

I didn’t always used to be a pessimistic, nervous, hypochondriacally charged person. I feel like this started for me a few years ago when I experienced the first major loss of someone in my life– my paternal grandmother had an aneurism, which triggered a stroke. Her passing was unexpected. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. That was when I realized how temporary everything is. This is also when my anxiety peaked. In 2015 I experienced another major loss. My maternal grandmother, who was essentially like a second mother to me and was there almost every single day of my life, was brought to the hospital for what we though was the beginning of dementia. She was gone exactly a week later. It was lung cancer that had metastasized to the liver and the levels of ammonia in her body, caused by the metastatic cancer, was creating the dementia-like symptoms. To this day I can barely think about her without crying. I don’t think losses get any easier over time– you just become used to the pain and the longing of missing them and you learn to live with that. You continue to grow around the loss, accommodating for the space it’s left in its wake.

I’ve had other losses since the loss of my grandmas; my grandfather, my stepmother’s father, a client, and unfortunately two of my coworkers as well have passed over the last two years. It never gets easier. I adapt to the loss and do my best to keep moving forward and grow around the loss.

Part of growing around these losses, especially the unexpected ones, leaves me in this paranoid and pessimistic limbo. I always find myself getting much more worried when anyone close to me is sick than I used to. This is not to say that I used to not care or worry, of course I did, but this worry feels like more of a pathological worry. I hate to use this word, because in some way I feel like it doesn’t have a true meaning, but for lack of a better way of saying this I’m going to say it anyway: This can’t be ‘normal’. Can it? I think I tend to hide my feelings sometimes and I just need to say that I’m really terrified about the idea that anyone else that I’m close to could be gone so easily, or so quickly for that matter. I guess when I put it this way it does seem like a kind of ‘normal’ thought.

Anyway, this is something that I’ve learned about myself over the course of several years and I’m really not sure how to, or if I even can, slow my roll and chill the hell out (do you know how hard it is to use my therapeutic techniques on myself?!). I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about all the negative ways Matthew’s results can go but I’m trying really hard not to go down that road. It’s troublesome to think that although he is the one not feeling well, he’s the one comforting me and telling me it’s going to be okay– one of the many, many reasons I always struggle to put into words how much I love him. He’s truly an exceptional human. And I like his face.

So, since I can’t seem to shake my paranoia and general sense of pessimism (I’ll choose to blame Web MD and overthinking) I’d like to ask that the Blog Gods or any potential readers I have out there to put some good stuff out there to the universe for him and cross your fingers that I can pull my own damn self together long enough to be the support he needs.

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